Sis, Your Shine Is Not Scary (They Just Need Sunglasses): High-achieving Black Women and Dating
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The Word Nobody Asked For: Intimidating
Picture this: You’re at dinner, looking good, smelling expensive, and carrying the kind of confidence that should be bottled and sold. The conversation is flowing...until it happens. That word.
“You’re… intimidating.”
Now, they don’t mean you jumped across the table or raised your voice. They mean: you look like you know who you are and what you want, and I don’t know what to do with that.
For successful Black women, this word floats around dating spaces like an unpaid intern...loud, unnecessary, and always in the way. And the wild part? It gets thrown at you as if you’re the one who needs to adjust.
Let’s be clear: you are not intimidating. You’re a mirror. And sometimes people don’t like what gets reflected back: their own insecurities.
Why Success Gets Twisted Into a “Problem”
Ambition gets celebrated on Instagram captions and in graduation speeches. Everyone loves to repost #BossEnergy quotes until they actually date someone who embodies it.
And for Black women? Whew. That spotlight is a double-edged sword.
At work: You’re praised as a leader...until someone decides your confidence is “aggression.”
In family: You’re respected for your accomplishments...until people start assuming you don’t need help, love, or softness.
In dating: Your independence is admired at first...until it makes somebody question what they bring to the table.
The very qualities that got you here: focus, brilliance, resilience are the ones some people treat as obstacles in love.
Um...sorry for thriving? Should you have just sat quietly in a corner, collecting vibes instead of degrees? I'm confusion.
The Truth About Intimidation
Here’s my therapist take: when someone calls you intimidating, it’s rarely about you. It’s often code for:
I don’t know how to show up as a partner without feeling small.
Your success highlights the areas I haven’t worked on in myself.
I’m not ready to sit at this table, so I’ll make you feel like you don’t belong instead.
Translation: your shine isn’t scary. They just forgot to bring sunglasses.
Where Attachment Wounds Come In
Now let’s add another layer, because this one gets deep.
When you’re constantly told you’re “too much, ” “too strong,” or “too intimidating,” it doesn’t just stay on the surface. It pokes old wounds.
If you have anxious attachment tendencies, being called intimidating can feel like rejection. Cue the spiral: you start over-explaining, over-functioning, or proving you’re still lovable. Suddenly you’re auditioning for the role of “low-maintenance woman”...a role you never wanted in the first place, but somehow find yourself dying for a callback.
If you lean more avoidant, you might shrug it off with, “Fine, I don’t need anyone anyway.” or "I can do bad all by myself." But deep down? You crave connection. And you end up settling for situationships where your brilliance gets dismissed, just so you can avoid the sting of disappointment.
If you have disorganized patterns, dating feels like a tug-of-war: craving closeness while bracing for rejection. So when someone calls you “too much,” it confirms a fear that’s been lurking since childhood.
Here’s the truth: being labeled “intimidating” can activate those younger parts of you that still believe love is conditional. That you have to shrink, perform, or earn your right to belong.
Attachment wounds will have you thinking, “Maybe if I laugh softer, achieve less, and only order a salad on this date, he’ll finally love me.” Girl, no.
High-achieving Black Women and the Conflict of Dating
The conversation around high-achieving black women and dating often circles back to this double bind...you’re pressured to achieve, then punished for achieving too well, especially in love.
Black women carry unique cultural and historical weight. We’ve been painted as “strong” to the point of being dehumanized, praised for independence while denied the space to be vulnerable.
So when you succeed? Instead of “Wow, she’s thriving,” you often hear, “She’s intimidating.” The narrative twists your hard work into a liability.
It’s a trap. You’re expected to achieve, but punished for achieving too well. And dating often magnifies that double bind: celebrated at first, but then criticized for shining too brightly.
Signs It’s Not You, It’s Them
So how do you know when this isn’t about you? Here are the red flags:
They minimize your wins (“It’s not that big of a deal.”)
They “joke” about your success but never clap for it.
They require you to shrink to keep their ego intact.
They treat your independence like competition instead of partnership.
They subtly (or not so subtly) try to subdue, mute, or tame you.
Your nervous system....your GUT responds uncomfortably to the things they say to you.
Sis, those aren’t quirks. That’s insecurity dressed up in cologne.
Reframing the Narrative
Let’s be crystal clear:
Your ambition is not arrogance.
Your independence is not rejection.
Your shine is not scary.
Ambition isn’t a liability in love, it’s an asset. The right partner won’t be threatened by your goals; they’ll be inspired. They’ll see your wins as yall's wins. They’ll clap loud and hand you water when you’re tired, not roll their eyes because you worked late.
Practical Dating Shifts
You can’t control how people react to your shine, but you can decide how you move through the dating pool.
Stop apologizing for your wins. You don’t need to dim your resume or downplay your brilliance.
Check their emotional intelligence early. If they avoid hard conversations or flinch at feedback, that’s a preview, not a phase, and no....we aren't giving passes because we're early in the game. Include it in the vibe check.
Redefine “power couple.” It’s not about competing; it’s about collaborating. Two secure people building something sustainable together.
Don’t confuse compatibility with capacity. Someone can like you, but not have the bandwidth to love you...and it's not YOUR assignment to try to make them love you.
Notice your patterns. Do you shrink when criticized? Over-give when you’re scared they’ll leave? That’s your attachment wound speaking. Therapy can help you listen, without letting it drive.
Pep Talk
If you take nothing else from this post, take this: if your ambition really scares someone, what were they gonna do when life got actually hard? Fold like a chair 🤷🏾♀️
You don’t need to dim your light to be lovable. You need someone who brought shades, and ideally, someone with a secure attachment style who can stand next to you without flinching.
Until then? Keep shining. Keep building. Keep loving yourself out loud.
Because your success doesn’t make you intimidating...it makes you magnetic. The right one won’t be scared; they’ll be grateful they found you.